Confessions

I had a dream that KU won the national championship, and even though I’m not a fan I decided to come celebrate on the streets in Lawrence. In the midst of all the hubbub I somehow saw you in the crowd about 10 or 15 feet away from me. Our eyes met… and I smiled.

After the approach you took to leave me, after the lack of answers, after the lack of you wanting to have anything to do with me… the dream me still found it in myself to smile at you.

I’ve been thinking about this dream a lot today. Obviously KU fell short of cutting the nets down, but the dream still has me wondering. If I saw you on the streets in real life, would I have the heart to smile? Would I run up and demand answers on the spot? Would I pretend I didn’t see you or know you?

It’s hard for me to say. It’s hard when 2010 feels like such a waste to me right now. Everything we built up last year evaporated right before my eyes. You untagged / removed the pictures you had of us on Facebook. You speak of being madly in love with your new guy (even three months afterwards). You still don’t find it worth the time to shoot me an email, or write me a quick letter saying “hang in there”.

So much of me has just wanted to pretend we never met and live my life acting like I never knew you. Yet, 2010 showed me that you’re more than worth the muscles used to turn that frown upside down. All the memories we made need not be shoved into the trash bin of my mind. We loved each other, and that’s not a small feat in the least.

Both sides of the coin are sparring for my endorsement right now. Just know that even if I do run into you in real life and I can’t do it, you produced a year’s worth of smiles… and I will never truly forget you for that.

This is so bad of me, but I seriously want my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend to break up with her new boyfriend. She hurt my boyfriend by dumping him for the new guy, and I just don’t want her to be with anyone. I want her to still be in love with my boyfriend. She probably isn’t, but if I’m lucky, she wasn’t able to fall out of love with her first love. I barely even know her, but I want it so bad. I want her to be alone and pining for my boyfriend. I would give anything for them to break up.

I’m so glad I decided to separate myself from you clowns. All of you, straight up COWARDS.

How is it that we decide to all engage in this business venture together, but none of you have the balls to oust the one member who’s completely dysfunctional, narcissistic, and unproductive?

Yet, you would all call me, complaining about HIM. How selfish, lazy, unmotivated, and disrespectful he was. Well, you see, I decided to do something about it—gracefully bow out of the operation. Best move I could’ve made.

And you would think that if your main workhorse (me) has chosen to leave the operation, the remaining members would do everything in their power to accomodate the workhorse instead of the anchor.

That must be in Utopia only.

Instead, you little bitches decide to place personal relationships over the functionality of the business. Clearly you clowns aren’t businessmen, especially the punk ass, self-ordained CEO.

“Oh you know he’s going to talk shit about us to everyone..”

So f*cking what???!! I have never seen such a weak group of panzy mofos in my entire life. And ever since I decided to fly solo, things have been nothing but uphill, at a much faster rate than anticipated.

Fuck all you clowns. You better not ask me for anything else. You ever cross paths with me in public, you better keep it moving.

” I saw it coming, that’s why I went solo ” –Ice Cube

I dont know why i get with you. all the time. I really dont. I knew from the get go that you were the polar opposite of the kind of guy i want. Your an ass. You are just such a dickhead. You will egt with me and then not talk to me the next day. Infact, i dont kow that we have ever spoken to each other when were not on a night out together. We were happening on and off for 9 months, so i decided i would send you a text. Nothing big, just a text. You wouldnt talk to me for like, 2 weeks after that. Then this girl im in college with found out we had happened a few times, and when she said it to you, you denied it and wouldnt talk to me for a month. Then, you waited till i got really drunk and told me that i liked you a lot more than you liked me and that we had to stop. That suited me fine. I dont see you for a good while, and when i do, we are civil, But then you had to ruin it. You had to come on to me. And of course, we got together again. Except this time you did all the work. You held my hand, something you never would have done before. You came after me. After you said i had too much emotion in it, and i liked you too much, YOU came after ME. And i hate myself for getting with you. I know you are and ass, but i just keep doing it. I have a kind hear you see, and i cant help but want to try and make this work. I hope, even thought i know i shouldnt. I hope that you will change and that we could be together, even when i know it wont happen. Even when i dont even think i like you, but just because im a fool. Ugh, just, i wish i didnt have to see you. Because i hate you that little bit because i like you.…i think…

I finally got what i spent so long wishing about. What i spent so many tears, and sleepless nights, and hours feeling guilty at what little work i was doing. I finally got it. And i couldnt be happier. But im STILL not motivated enough to work through it, till the end. I just cant find the energy to work my best at it. I think its because im scared that i wont be as great at it as i have always wanted to be, or as great and natural at it as everyone expects me to be.
Maybe i should stop worrying about all this and just TRY.
But.…I dont know if i can.

I LOVE YOU.

i’m in love with lauren 3

i need a hero to save me NOW!!

I wondered all day yesterday If you would contact me..
you didn’t
I doubt you will on his birthday either
he would be 2…
blows my mind still…
I’ll have a drink that day for him.. wonder if you will too..

i have loved you forever. well, “forever” according to one who is barely an adult. “forever” aka as long as i can remember. all i want is to be with you. i’m so glad i made this realisation. i’m so glad that you’re open to the idea. i don’t care what anyone says, i want to see you every day. i want to help you when you feel like shit like you have helped me every day for the past years. we are perfect. and i want this to work more than anything. you have been the most influential person in my life. i love you, darling.

For the longest time, I wondered if it would be a good idea to pull the screen off my room’s window and try peeing into the front yard. I finally did so recently but my aim was not what I had planned and now my window sill smells like piss.

I’m in love with a colleague. We are both married with children, so I knew nothing would ever happen, but I figured over time we could become good friends. I’m happy just to be around him. But now he may be leaving the job and the city in a few months, and I’m desperate to make some sort of deep connection before I lose my chance forever.

sometimes I start thinking that nothing is real. that everything I think and feel is made-up, that the world is a made-up place. I feel like I have to convince myself of everything and then I doubt it all again. it keeps happening over and over and the kids at school think I’m crazy.
life is a big paradox.
see, I have been in love (I think) for…hold on…
since September of last year. so almost two years. I’m trying to figure it all out. is it love, if you get nervous around him sometimes? I’m shy but when he texts me or is coming over to my house, I panic inside. I’m real shy and so is he. we’re gonna be cute together and we need each other — I’m convinced.
THIS IS MY GOOD LUCK WISH/PACT/CONFESSION/LAST HOPE:
to all the females in new york: please please please please please leave Nick alone! don’t you dare think of him the way I do. no one will ever love Nick like I have loved him. I love who he really is, deep down. I love you, Nick “The Man” (LOL).

i“m considering killing myself in 48 hours.

After 3 years of searching for work exhaustion and despair have overcome me. waiting through enduring lines at the government office for assistance just to be denied because my rational decisions of not giving birth to unwanted crotch fruit and coping with emotions correctly instead of filling my veins with manufactured happiness left me at an unnatural advantage.

” what are you doing here?” says the person with the government job abundantly supplemented with retirement funds, cars, houses, health care, power, and water which my tax dollars had funded when i was allowed an income.

“i’m not accepting these retail and food service job submissions because since you have a degree you can only apply for jobs that don’t exist anymore. i’m sorry but i’m cutting off your funding.”

standing and gazing across the remains of imbecilic time wasting sprawled across my room in grief, i cry.

i lived my life the right way, worked hard, took responsibility, and stayed clean the reward i received was homelessness.

wtf man, wtf.…

I’m a pretender. I’m a liar. Whatever you want to call it.
I tell people how mean I really am but they don’t believe me. So then when I go through those weeks of anger and harshness, they think there’s something wrong. No. I just don’t always feel like pretending.
it’s too easy for me to hate the ones I love.
it’s too easy to not give a damn about things that are important.
it’s too easy to be angered by that which I enjoy.
too easy to lie.
the truth is, it’s getting hard to care about anything. It’s hard to care when my friends are angry. It’s hard to care when my family is hurt.

I don’t want peace of mind, I want power.
I don’t want to be humble, I want money.
I don’t want love, I want pleasure.
¶
This is who I am.

oh chico, you’re breaking my heart. why are you still on the internet dating site we met 6 months ago when we’re actually dating and together now?

I hate that you took my virginity. I waited for a good guy and got blinded by your incredible acting skills, when I think you secretly hate women because your mom divorced your dad. I hate that you had a above average sized penis that I still think about. I hate that I had an orgasm everytime we had sex. I hate that I was so weak that I lost 18 lbs and was miserable with sleepless nights for so long after you left me. i hate that you were so so cold and tore my naive little heart out and acted like things werent as emotionally deep as they were. I hate that I made up fake guys on facebook to make you jealous. I am happy it worked. I hate that you started to like another girl, I think I drove you to it with this weird facebook competition between us. I hated her and felt bad for her because I knew there was a good chance you would hurt her. it actually comforted me that she resembles me in ways (rebound much?). I watched and stalked many pubic sites that had to deal with you because I am very tech savy. I love that it seems like you cant cut yourself away from talking to me. I love that you told me you were not with that girl anymore. you made her seem like a bitch. I loved seeing you hurt by this. I hated that she could make you feel like that (but remember you acted the same with me sometimes) I love that I finally realized that youre crazy in the head and love playing the victim in relationship issues and you thrive on emotional drama. I hate seeing her pretty face turn from pretty healthy and happy to skinny desperate and stressed with crazy eyes. No woman deserves this, and I wish I could talk to her, but them my stalking ways would be known and I can’t have that. I love that when I look in the mirror I see a incredibly fit body that men would love and girl have jealously over. I love that I have thick long hair and large friendly eyes I love that when masturbate with my slim finger I realize that I am still tight and that the next man I have will pleasure me just fine, especially after I make sure he is the right guy this time. I hate that I still love you and wish you the best when you dont deserve it. I realize that because you are probably crazy that every woman is probably in for some hurting when they come in contact with you. Part of me misses what you were to me before you unveiled yourself. I hope and pray my next guy with be my husband and that his penis is better that yours, just because. I love that I am finally starting to feel normal again and am fine with the fact that I probably still think about you from time to time…

I’m not going to have anything to do with him anymore!! I CAN DO IT!!!!

I wish you had cared about me like a parent should. You chose to make me- you should chose to be there for me. The pain will never go away. You made yourself a new family and you left me in the past. I’m turning into a great person- you’ll never know me and the life I’ll have. I wish I could have been daddy’s little girl instead I had to try and make you love me. I had to try and be perfect so maybe you would want me in your life. You are a horrible person, I will never forgive you. I will forever be hurt. 🙁
I just want to feel loved.