I feel like I’ll give myself over to any half-decent guy who gives me the attention.
I guess it was all the years in grammar school of people telling me that I sucked and my ignoring it and continuing to try and fit in and sucking further.
Well, now I’m not sure if I’m loveable or not. And I feel like anyone who even hints at proving to me that I am will get my everything, and I’m going to get hurt because the first guy that calls me beautiful will have his way with me and then leave me and I’ll just die. Because he’ll have just wanted to get into the sack. Like they all do. Like everyone does. Hell, like I do.
I wish that life was full of guys like the ones in romantic comedies walking around.
It’s this bad. A year ago, I was at Disney World, and they have this thing on certain nights where they open the park for four hours after it closes and allow up to 500 people buy tickets, so the park is pretty much empty and you can get onto rides with no wait whatsoever. It’s really awesome. Anyway, I was with my mom (I was 14 at the time) and we were in the short line for Splash Mountain, and this boy a little bit ahead of me keeps turning around and looking at me. He had red hair and he was gorgeous, and he just kept turning around and glancing at me and then playing it off, talking to this other buddies. When we got up to the front, I was right behind him with my mom (who was picking up on what was going on) and the lady asked if he and I were riding together. I giggled and said no and he sort of laughed and blushed, and so I got into the line and he got into the boat directly below me and looked up at me and said “Bye” as his boat left. My heart was pounding. I still remember my heart pounding.
Not saying “yes” to that lady’s question about whether or not we were together is something I regret more than a lot of things. I also regret, after we got off, not going up to him and talking to him. He was standing right ‑there-. He looked over at me and I sort of smiled and turned back to my mother and I caught him turn his head to the ground and walk away. I turned towards him and he walked away. When the boats had first stopped, I had laughed about something with my mom and he had turned around to see my laughing, and when he got out, he turned around while I was waiting to get out and said something really lame like “Rock on.” And this was one of the best nights of my life.
One of the best nights of my life.
Now there’s some kid who works at this place I go to all the time to buy stuff for my saltwater aquarium I just recently started up, and he’s adorable and my mom, again, has some sort of idea up her sleeve that he likes me because he’s very shy and quiet around me and stuff. And I haven’t been able to get him out of my head.
I’m so pathetic.