I love you so so so much. Tonight, when you pulled me closed to you, it was all I have been craving for the last 10 days. Just to be close to you. I woke up in a foreign country so beautiful and sweet smelling and I felt you with every breath I took. I half expected you to come rambling around the corner, laugh and giggle with me before pulling me down some deserted road. I am gone now. Back home.
I saw you tonight, as I sat in my expensive car. You fiddled with the radio stations using the mouse and keypad, and looked over your shoulder at me. Fuck, you muttered, so this is what you will be driving while I am fantasizing about having a car that works? I laughed it off, but I didnt tell you that I bought it so that it could hold me when you wouldn’t or that the warm leather seats distract me from the cold in my heart. I didn’t tell you how much I hate being second best, knowing that you married her and not me. I don’t care if you hate her, the thing that bothers me most, the thought that keeps turning over and over in my head was that when you found out she was pregnant you married her, when you found out I was pregnant you hated me and accused me of doing horrible things like doing it on purpose.
I can no longer pretend those words havent been said. I can no longer pretend that I am okay, and frankly I do not care if you are not. I dont care that i love with you all my heart because every day i wake up alone. I know I can stay with you, but for how long? A day? Or a bit longer?
You have said that you love me more than anything ever in your entire life. Tonight, I could feel your love. I could feel you holding me, calming me, your lips pressed into my hair relaxing as you began to snore. My heart shook and tears began to creep into my eyes.
Second best.
That is all I could think of. Second best.
I just spent the last 2 weeks counseling a group of women about how loveable and worthy they are, and here I am going through the same thing time and time again.
I have a confession to make: tonight, when we made love I wasn’t using any protection. My period has been extremely unreliable and I got sick of it, I just wanted to bleed once and for all, so I stopped taking the pill.
I dont want to have a baby this way, so I won’t. I will get up tomorrow and take the morning after pill. Or will I? Confession 2: i want your child, I want your child becuse I want you, plus I know any kid you have with me will kick your own child’s ass.… Stupid and ridiculous I know, but true. I am beautiful. I am smart. I come frome a good family and I make a shitload of money. Our child would have everything while yours will suffer. Only I can’t let that happen. I am too good of a person, plus I love your daughter. I m just angry.
Angry that I have to travel alone. Angry that I fall asleep alone (most of the time). Angry that tonight you felll asleep when I wanted to make love. Angry that I had to leave in order for you to rip my clothes off and devour me like you used just two weeks ago. Angry that I dumped a really good guy only to wind up here with you.
This weekend while I listened to a previous drug addict’s story about sex and love, I knew she was right. Take the good guy.
Listen to me, that good guy the one that is always working hard who would stop traffic for you, who buys you dinner, the guy who will show when you are sick is the one you are supposed to be with, not all the other assholes.
I felt like shit about myself for a long time. Now i am just beginning to know what it means to love.
Goddamn, if I still can’t smell ou on my pillow. Goddamnit if you show up at my house once more. Goddamn if you say something mean or are always high. Goddamn ifI still feel you. I will destroy you. know that.
the good guys? they deserve a chance now.
I will see you on the other side. never forget that you were loved without restraint. Ever.