I’ve always lived with my mom, dad, and sister. When I was a little kid I loved my grandma more then I loved anyone. I could see that this really tore my mom apart but I could never figure out why. I would go to my grandma’s almost every weekend, which is a lot because she lived 2 hours away. I could see it eating at my mom, tearing at her. Every year since I could remember my grandma would come up to school and pass out cookies to my class on my b‑day. It was one of the best days ever. The night before my birthday my mom just couldn’t take it. She could see how excited I was and she just lost it. She sat down and told me that the grandma I loved was an abusive bitch that was drunk all throughout my mom’s life, abused her, and kicked her out when she was 15 for being pregnant with me unless she agreed to have an abortion. This was a lot for a 8 year old who always looked up to someone and would never think of something like this. Furthermore she went on to tell me that my “dad”, wasn’t really my dad. He was the dad of my sister, not me though. Which means my grandma on that side of the family and everyone has been fake all my life. Futhermore, she told me my real dad was some dude she screwed in high school and some guy that beat her and didn’t want me so he left. I know she was lying a little about my real dad but i’ve never asked. It’s too thick to get back into. But ever since that night i’ve been trying to find my real dad. She won’t even tell me his name, show me a picture, tell me his last words to me. Nothing. Do you know how annoying this is? Is it to much to ask? One year she found my baby book in my bag (which has his full name) and she got so furious. I used to cry myself to sleep but i don’t really care anymore. I try not to get close to guys because I don’t trust them anymore. After all one out of the two most important people to me turned out to be a fraud after all my years of thinking he was my dad. I’ve never been close to him again after that. Or my grandma. Or anyone on my dad’s side of the family. Nothing’s ever been the same. Sometimes I sit in bed before I go to sleep and just think about what it would be like to meet my dad. That moment when we see each other. What would we say? I try to make myself dream about it. Dreams are the closest thing to reality I have, if that makes any sense. I just keep it all bottled up and every once in a while when my friends ask me questions i just shrug it off and say i don’t really care. But I do. The one thing that sticks out the most of the conversation me & my mom had that night was when i was bawling. I couldn’t stop. That was a lot for a kid that just went from an ultimate happiness of it being her b‑day the next day to a low of finding out her life was a set-up. She looked at me in disgust and said “why are you still crying?”
I used to be the biggest christian in my whole school who was scared to say the word “dang”. In 8th grade I started smoking. My first 9 week GPA was a 4.0. My last 9 week GPA was a 2.2. In 9th grade I started smoking pot. Later on in 9th grade I started popping pills. In 10th grade I started drinking. Everything is going down-hill so fast. But I can’t help but think going down hill is so much funner then up hill. A couple months ago I was so messed up on ambien that i couldn’t see straight. 4 hours of my memory is completely erased except for a few hallucinatios here and there. This guy in my class dared me to eat a worm that we were doing a project on in science class. He told me he would give me $3.00. I ate it. I got in so much trouble. I was so messed up nothing hit me that day. I laughed about it all day. I even ate spagetti that night! My mom was so disgusted. When people asked me what it was like i told them i didn’t remember. The next day it hit me full and hard. I got so depressed. I haven’t been able to figure out why i was so depressed & still am. I just try to make up reasons. Maybe I’m addicted to it. I don’t know. I told my friend I’de pay her $20.00 for just 2 more but she said no. One day I took so much oxycontin that I ran to the bathroom every 5 minutes for an hour till i was shaking so bad i couldn’t make it to the bathroom. I just sat down in the hallway and cried. The counselor found me and told me i had the flue. I assured her I didn’t and went back to class. I was so scared to try to walk i just stayed in class for the rest of the hour and silently dry heaved. One day i was on zanax and i fell asleep in world history. The teacher decided to play a joke. He led the class outside the room and waited for the bell to ring so that i would freak out when i woke up and noone was there. I never woke up. they banged on the door. i didn’t wake up. I was locked inside. He had to go get the keys. I woke up and the whole school was looking at me throgh the door window. He finally woke me up and i stumbled on to the next class. He hasn’t played another joke on me since. 3 weeks ago i had a hotel party for my 16th b‑day. I got completely wasted out of my mind and screwed some guy i had just met that night, which was my 1st time. We were in the hotel bathroom and he asked me if i remembered his name. I finally remembered it and got it right. After like 2 hours we finally came out. I haven’t talked to him since, which is just fine with me, i don’t want a relationship. But the only problem is i’m a month and two weeks late. I told all my friends that i’m only 2 weeks late. I didn’t want to freak them out. I can’t help to think i’m pregnant. That would be just great. Hi mom & dad, ya, i got knocked up on my b‑day party. O, his name? umm.…chris something.…how old is he?.…umm maybe 19.…maybe 20? i dunno…what does he look like…ummm…i don’t really remember, i was really wasted, you know?
have you ever beat yourself up for fun? it’s really quite amusing. Just taking your head and slamming it on a desk? one day i got so mad at this I.S.S teacher, she was making me so frekaing mad that i couldn’t take it! i started drawing i picture of her. i was going to hang her in it or something, but she took it. So if i couldn’t tkae pleasure in thoughts of someone else’s pain i have to take pleasure in my own. I asked to go to the bathroom and slammed my head up against the wall. then i took out a pin(ones that you hook to your shirt) and sliced my arm over and over and over and over until i felt better. Then i SLAMMED my head into the wall, everything became so much lighter. I thought i might pass out for a second, but when i recovered i did it one more time for kicks and went back to class. A kid saw my arm and asked what happened. i told him i have cats. o ya, good cover up.
Sometimes i wonder if i’m a compulsive liar. I’m not, but have you ever asked questions in class about stuff you already know? you put on this face like your so confused and try to work out the problem when you already figured out the answer before anyone else did? Maybe it’s for my own amusement. Like for instance all the kids in my school think i’m this stupid, pill popping, pothead that doesn’t know anything. This one day in biology class i was reading some book while the teacher was reviewing and he asked a question. I wasn’t really paying attention. No kids could answer it so i just said it without looking up from my book and continued on reading. I loved how everyone stopped in silence. Not really in a braggin way like cuz i got the question right, but because it confused them. One kid saw my progress report and asked if i cheat? I said no and he asked how i passed then. I just said i do my work. I loved how it confused him. Maybe it’s because i hate the way people think if you smoke pot your dumb and it makes me happy to see a pothead make a better grade then a 100% sober athletic christian who goes around talking smack about druggies saying they’re dumb, ya maybe that’s it. thank you