Some of my family make out like I’m a bad person. In fairness I can see why.. for the last to years I haven’t really acknowledged them or had any contact with them. I spend my time in my room drinking coffee and playing games and I don’t have a job. Sometimes I look at child-porn like images. I’m not a paedophile, I would never hurt a child ever or ever in a million years do something like that. It’s just that something from my childhood fucked me up, and it’s a fantasy, like abused people often have. Obviously people think it’s sick, but it’s a very broad and misunderstood term, and it’s not like I want to feel like I do.
Anyway. My family act as if I’m a bad person.. which I can understand if you’ve just met me.. but these people have known me all my life. They’ve seen the shit I’ve been through, the mental breakdowns, etc etc. And now they seem to like demeaning me at every opportunity. The seriously think I’m stupid. They call me a freak and a schizo. They mumble comments as they walk away. They laugh about me behind my back.
And instead of feeling shame.. I feel wronged, because 1) they were always part of the problem anyway, and 2) before they started saying this shit, I wouldn’t have said a bad word about them. I may disagree with them and the way they live but I don’t rub it in their faces, because it’s their life and they can live it the way they want. They don’t seem to understand that people can lose control. I’m not asking anything from them apart from bread, milk and coffee, and to put up with my company when I feel up to being around someone.
To be honest I’ve have a very fucked up life and while it’s not entirely their fault, they could of held off on the emotional blackmail and the constant digs until they were sure what my problem was. Instead they just made it worse. Now I don’t trust anyone. I’m fucking alone, and I don’t know what it is I have or haven’t done that’s so wrong. I have people telling me I’m a fool, but I have no idea what for. Fuck this.