I’m just about to finish high school and it’s just now dawned on me that I’ve wasted my entire life doing nothing and pretty much getting away with it. I have fantastic grades and a fantastic future I’ve arranged for myself, but what’s the point when I spend most of my time holed up in my room?
What especially kills me is that I don’t have any real friends, just plenty of passing acquaintances. I’ve tried to get along with people and form serious relationships, but I always end up forming some aversion to the person. It’s like I find reasons to dislike people before I can form a relationship.
I want to be in love, but every relationship I’ve ever had with the opposite sex has been purely based on physical traits. We were only together because we were physically attracted to each other, and had absolutely nothing in common. Now I have a mental block that keeps me from even trying to get to know women I like, for fear of rejection or forming another meaningless “courtship.” And the fact that I’ve never been able to attract a semi-intelligent girl doesn’t help, either.
A girl I knew back in junior high died recently. The outpouring of grief and mourning from nearly all of the school caught my attention. If I were to die, would anyone outside of my immediate family really care? I really have my doubts. I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to get away from this old life of mine and starts things anew, and the perfect oppurtunity will arrive shortly…
I suppose my problems aren’t really that bad. I just needed to let some feelings out.