I’m crying right now(only a little and now I’m not) because I’m growing out of my feelings, and/or the meds I am on are smothering them out. I want to feel again and for those feelings to be actualized. I am so scared I will just get older and older and never be held by someone I actually am in love with or just love. Another female.
I don’t care if my stupid sex drive never works again…I mean I do, it would drive me more to please a lover.. and maybe even drive someone away if I could never have strong physical sexual feelings.
I just pray I can better myself and earn someone’s love, and they will accept all the shit somehow and care for me anyway.
I am looking for work and I am trying to study on my own time to push myself.
I am so scared, though, that I will always fall short and never have as much to offer people as other people would have to offer me or others.
I can also feel myself becoming less lonely and I’m almost scared of that more than being lonely because what’s left of a person if they don’t want other people.
I want to want my feelings cared for, to be touched and held. I don’t want to disappear.
