This is how my life fell apart.

1. Mom informs me that she’s cheating on my father, then denies that she ever had a boyfriend while still married to my father — Dec 09.

2. Father sends me a freakin’ email telling me to stop talking back to him whenever he orders me around or he’ll slap me across the face — New Year’s Eve 09

3. Mom files for divorce and tells me about it two days before my birthday and one day after I failed half my final exams — Jan 10

4. I finally spill to my friends about what’s happening between my parents (minus the boyfriend). Only one of them is truly there for me — March 10

5. My father decides to treat me like a 5 year old to try and control everything I do — Year of 10 in general

6. I have, at this point, become severely depressed and borderline suicidal with only the thought of my three closest friends keeping me going each day — Summer of 10

7. Tension at home increases when my mom decides to move her boyfriend to live on the West Coast with us, while he originally lived on the East Coast, so he can “find work here” because there’s “nothing there for him where he lives” — Sept 10

8. My father and I make up, but it’s still tense — Dec 10

9. We start looking for places to find housing (for each of my parents) because we’re STILL all living in the same house — Jan 11

10. My grades slip from straight A’s minus one B to straight C’s with a D and a B-; my parents go ballistic and start to wonder why it’s so hard to focus in school. (Gee, I wonder why?) — Feb 11

11. My best friend, and the only one I’ve trusted enough this whole time to be able to talk extensively about this whole thing, who has practically saved my life, asks me to talk to someone else because she has her own problems to deal with. (I get her point of view and I respect that. The problem is that I don’t have anyone else to go to except for her! And now, not even that anymore) — last Monday

12. My long distance boyfriend says he loves me, and I say it too without really meaning it because I don’t know how to love him, and now, except for him, I have no one there for me — this past Saturday

I have been borderline anorexic for the past year; not because of self esteem issues, but because the knot in my stomach doesn’t let me eat anything.

I’ve told my friends all along that I will be there for them no matter what, and they can call me any time they need to talk or something.

I’ve been waiting for at least ONE to say the same to me.

I may sound pathetic, and I know that there’s much worse that could happen, but I’ve been so stressed out that I have not gotten more than 4 hours of sleep per night the past two weeks including weekends.

I’m absolutely worthless. Why do I even try?

The major events in my life:

I was molested when I was in elementary school. My dad died in middle school. I rebelled in high school. Lost touch with half of my family. Went off to college. Got a $600,000 trust fund. Stopped talking to any of my family. Got addicted to crystal meth. Went to raves and rolled and did all kind of drugs in order to have a good time. Had an unwanted gay experience. Fell in love with a girl and quit meth. I led a normal life for a few years. We broke up. Tried to learn how to casually date which I suck at because I kept falling into some degree of Love. I ran out of the trust fund. Got addicted to oxycontin, I moved back home. I got kicked out. Lived in my car and stole things for a living. Went to jail and lost my car. got addicted to heroin. I risked my wellbeing walking into the ghetto most days to get drugs. i got kicked out of my house. lived on the street, tried crack, had sex with a male for money, let a guy pay me to give me a blow job, was used and not paid, wished i was dead, i would only get up to piss or eat, i lost my mind completely, i heard things and saw things for 3 days, i lost my clothes and shoes, i slept in a church parking lot, i smoked cigarettes of off the ground, ate food out of the trashcan, begged for money. people would walk by me and hand me money without me asking I looked that bad. The world was dark.

I moved back home. I cleaned up. I feel in love. I decided I believed in God, because 1. I shouldnt be alive 2. there is absolutely some reason why i am still here, why I have made it to the point that I’m at. There was just so much involved in me getting here.
And now everything is clear. Things aren’t perfect, but life excites me to no end. I love life. I love meeting new people. And I’m an awesome person now. Everything is totally amazing now. Am I trying to convince you or me that that is true? Neither. I am happy.

You can’t even tell me that this wasn’t all in my imagination. I meant nothing to you. I’m just crazy and worthless I guess.

I miss him.

I thought I loved you before, but christ was I wrong. I know what it is, now, to love you. It’s wanting the ability to touch things- dull, irrelevant, everyday things, and want to feel your skin, instead of their gruff, ugly texture. A pencil, a piece of paper, a car hood, grain of wood. Nothing will ever feel as pure as you do now… not to me. You are everything I have wanted for so long, and so much more that I didn’t realize you were. Love is only a part of it… I admire you, adore you, am constantly proud of you.

I miss you.

All I want is some respect. I finally realized today that there’s no chance we’ll ever be a couple again, but I still deserve some FUCKING respect. It’s one thing to ignore me and shit, but deleting every damn picture you have of me from here off facebook, then pretending “we” didn’t happen. FUCK YOU. I was in love with you still (and probably still am, I’m just pissed right now so I’m not sure). I’m not even pissed about the pictures, I’m mad at the fact that you’re acting like you regret spending over a year with me. How the hell can you do that? It was the best fucking year of my life and you want to erase it from your memory. Sorry I wasted your time, you fucking bitch

I am sorry I thought you were lying when you told them you had overdosed but in my defense I though we had given away the last of the oxi’s. I told them I thought you were lying and now I don’t know how to tell them that you weren’t. After you left, the very next night, he almost died. I wonder if he wouldn’t have gotten that close if you had kept your promise to him about neither of you killing yourselves. I know I cant tell any of this to you or to anyone else. You would hate me if I understood your emotions and your motive for doing things better than you do yourself. I’m afraid I made a mistake and that if you find out, you will hate me.

i wish you would call me.…

Your hair is wonderful. This may sound utterly creepy, but I gave up my seat in the bus and stood behind you until your stop, only so I could be close to you and your hair.

You have a beautiful face and a pleasing, slender, youthful figure. A rare sight in a country of ugly fat women with giant boobs and badly dyed hair.

At times like this, I wish I could be 15 (fifteen!) years younger, so I could ask you out for a date. So I could caress your hair and kiss your lovely face and wrap my arms around your waist, while dropping on my knees in awe at the wonder of you.

But you’re still in high school, though, and I’m already past 30. Being this attracted to you makes me want to kill myself, knowing it would be wrong to act upon my feelings. It’s just wrong, I can’t do that.

And even if I did, you wouldn’t like me anyways. Not only because I’m way too old for you, but also because I’m a damned creep, poor as a rat and batshit insane.

I should be married to a woman at most five years my junior, I should have already raised a family, with kids in primary school and all that. I should also have finished university, earn twice my current income, and have a beautiful house. I have none of that.

Well, I have a house, but it’s small and doesn’t look quite good (but it’s mine!)

I’m sorry for telling him before i really believed it was true, instead of talking to you. I’m sorry for telling her after i confronted you but he was going to tell her so i had to do it first. I’m sorry if you feel like i betrayed you. I forgave you for denying it even though i know you only did it to keep the peace. I miss you like crazy r, i miss being your friend.… Love t

I never actually graduated college. I just told everyone I did so I wouldn’t have to spend another miserable year in school.

Now I’m having a miserable year waiting for someone to find out the truth.

I don’t mean to accuse but it seems like you don’t give a shit about our friendship, and this goes for many of my other so called “friends” too.

I’m itching to discuss and vent this to them but they’d all get angry, especially you.

What the hell

Being stalked is still creepy shit, and I still don’t know what to do about it after two long years.

But I do feel a lot better knowing I now have three guys who know what’s going on and would love to see your life ruined, two of which will kick your ass at the drop of a hat if I tell them you’re still bothering me. The other is dying for me to tell your girlfriend that you’ve been creeping me forever.

And you think I’m a naive whore. You have no idea. 🙂

im so proud of you. i knew you could do it. i know you are better than what you and the people in your life give you credit for. you are so much more.

The thing that’s going to kill our relationship is not that I made a bad choice or did something of which he doesn’t approve. No, his cutting me off from any affection as punishment each time is what will ruin us. It gets harder and harder to stomach the groveling required to get back into his good graces.

I am an atheist and I am scared to tell anyone because my religious friends will try to convert me and I find it incredibly insulting. I know they just want me to have the thing that gives them joy in their lives, but I want them to know that their source of joy is not the same as mine. I want them to be okay with the fact that our beliefs are not the same. I am not a lesser person just because I don’t believe in an all-knowing entity.

I’ve built myself up with everyone I know as an awful womaniser. I recently broke off things with a girl, and told everyone it was because she wasn’t hot enough. It was really because I realised I was still in love with my ex, and didn’t think it would be fair on anyone I dated if I was still hung up on someone else. That same ex had cheated on me for a year. When we broke up over it, I rebounded really quickly with a girl whom had a crazy obvious thing for me, and so the rumour mill churned out that my ex and I had broken up because I’d cheated on her. Knowing that she would be mortified at the thought of people knowing she’d cheated on me for a year I corrected nobody, and people still think we broke up because I cheated on her. I did, however, cheat on my last ex. We’d been arguing a lot, and I got drunk and kissed a couple of girls. I told her immediately and broke up with her, despite her saying she didn’t care, because I knew that if I knew she didn’t mind, I might do it again.

And everybody I know thinks I’m some sort of misogynistic prick. But the reality is, I’m just a soft touch. I wonder if I would get as many girls if they knew that.

Two of my friends and me all had these dreams around the same time about our parts in this strange situation that would happen hypothetically this summer. I don’t know I should believe in it but the crazy thing is that they fit together perfectly like the stor of three lives going through this event. I don’t want to go into details about what happened within them for reasons that would be obvious if known, but in it me, my family, and my friends and their families might be at a serious risk. If it were real I might be able to prevent it but It would be very hard. Should I believe it or is it probably nothing, and if it isn’t what do you think I should do? (BTW it makes a scary amount of sense with things going on in my too so keep that in mind when answering)

You suck at fighting. You suck at fucking. You can’t pay my bills. You’re weak. You’re stupid. Hell even your name is stupid. You don’t have a job. Your mother’s a cunt and your father’s a pussy. Your brother’s a faggot and your sister’s a white nigger. None of you have any kind of power whatsoever. The only thing you’re good at is sucking, and you’re not even the best at that.